He said he only wanted to text and was unresponsive to e-mails.
She said e-mail was her favorite way of communicating.
I said that I prefer to talk on the phone but can only do that after dinner (and kitchen clean up) for about an hour total. (Long ago, after a few marathon phone calls that were actually visits, as I put the phone on speaker and kept doing the housework, I gave up on long phone call visits.)
He only wanted to talk late at night.
She did not want to leave the house to get together.
I sat there, hitting individual letters of the alphabet on the phone to stay in touch, swearing up a storm as autocomplete changed words and meanings, so that I had to reread it before sending, and even then. This was not something I would usually have the time to do, but considering that so many places to go and things to do were shut down, I put in the effort.
It was for them and for me. To keep the friendships, to reach out during a period in history when we were forced to isolate.
He said he got vaccinated right away and then with another friend took a long road trip to the American South, as if he wouldn't catch Covid in his own car, traveling the roads, checking into motels. He was out of touch and stayed that way.
She said wearing masks was not healthy for you and vaccinations would kill you.
Vacations versus vaccinations...
In the last four years we have gotten together at an outdoor restaurant one time - unmasked. I'm sure we both looked different to each other by then.
"You got your hair cut!"
"It's too short!"
He showed up, as he had before, not long before another trip, to see if I could dog sit for cheap. He didn't say those words but I knew that was why he was on the porch, as it was his pattern. I said I'd met a woman who ran a doggie motel out of her own beautiful home and all the dogs there looked happy. (Last time I doggie sat for him he left me no food in the fridge, I got no cell reception, couldn't get the Netfix/Amazon to work, and there was a hole in the back fence which one of the dogs escaped out of.)
He said, "You're looking good," and left - forever.
As her e-mails came in after that meet up, I began to think that she was actually some sort of - not terrorist - not activist - but radical with a pledge to stay alone and be alone. Then I began to think that maybe she was actually not well mentally. Was this one more "friendship" in which I had given a person more credit than they deserved? Had she always been this way or was it acclimating to Covid, fear and paranoia, that had caused her to be so isolating?
In the past, when I was in a creative flow and/or working on a project, I was capable of making time and space work for me fairly well. My record for purposely going incognito while working on a writing project (I typed from waking until sleep again) was about three weeks. No interruptions via people or electronics allowed. If I remember correctly, I pre-stocked the kitchen so I wouldn't have to go to the market. I stayed in flow.
But while I could purposefully isolate in order to get work done, I was also good at getting out there to a coffee house, or walking my dog. If I needed to take a break I could go where it was easy to talk to strangers.
The issue with the e-mail: this is where being a writer and rereading old messages was important. Was it that I had not SAID, or was it that she was not UNDERSTANDING what I said?
Communication is always two ways. You have to be sure that the person or persons you're communicating to understand what you just said (or wrote) as you intended it. By rereading the e-mail messages I had sent, I'd made it clear that I was for Food Justice while she was for Food as Medicine. I reread and realized the problem. I'm concerned about Food for Everyone while she was for Food for Herself (and her friends who could afford organic) in order to prevent illness and death. What restaurants she was willing to eat at also had to do with food quality.
In the scheme of things this is an eccentricity that should be accepted, because when it comes right down to it, she's a good person.
This reminded me of years ago when a friend made in high school who rarely kept in touch came to town for a couple days to go to a convention. I cleared my schedule for half a day and got her in my car and took her for a ride through the mountains to the beach, which is off the tourist trail and had been a thrilling experience for other visitors but did not seem to impress her.
Then we sat down at a table and looked at each other and all the conversations we never had came down to a few to-the-point blurts.
"Does it bother YOU that you never had children?"
"Me neither!"
We then went on to such a brief mention of the circumstances of someone we both knew from back in the day, someone who had a couple of out of control spoiled brats. All she said was the woman's NAME!
"There's alcohol involved." I blurted.
She nodded slightly, as if we were both still being faithful to the old friend, who had seemed unable to cope with her marriage and her children and that this micro-second exchange was not gossip.
Though neither of us had kept in touch, though we had not made phone calls or texted or e-mailed, we communicated.
It helped that we could look each other in the eye.
And truly, phoning with an intent to catch up is good for long distance, but locally should be used only for arranging meet ups. Because in-person communication is the very best. One catches the facial expressions, the demeanor, the tone of voice. My sense of humor does not always come across otherwise.
More recently, I told my e-mail correspondent in advance that I was working on a project, what the project was, and so on. I told her it was important to me. She had suggested we get together for lunch weeks earlier and I'd agreed, and she had put it off. I also told her I would be spending most of my days at the library (where she could find me, on the laptop, phone off.) I sent her a message mid-project saying "I haven't forgotten about you."
I opened that e-mail once after my brief assurance, and saw two messages from her that had headlines about organic food. I didn't open them. I felt hammered by her with warnings about food that isn't organic, just when my stomach was rumbling and what I lusted after was a hot dog with lots of gooey toppings from the nearby 7/11 and bags of potato chips.
I finished the project and opened the e-mail. There was a message from her that said, "I wanted to get together for lunch, but I guess you aren't interested. That's all right."
I got mad. I had said in advance that I had a project and it was important to me and I was devoting myself to meeting a deadline. Instead she seemed to be taking personal offense.
So this morning I found an article on psychology professional approved messages one can use to text to a friend that you don't want to be friends any more. (The psychology professions had their names included.)
I hated that article.
I don't believe in blowing anyone off who has been a friend (OK, a 'real' friend) by texting or ghosting, or not communicating first that there's a problem that needs to be talked about, and worked out.
When you do not do that, when you devalue the other person to the point where they are not even owed a conversation, an opportunity to explain, or do better, or admit they cannot change to suit you, I think that has to do with you're own shitty values.
There wasn't a single suggestion in that article that I would use on my e-mail friend.
So after I post this, I'm going to sit down and devote hours to figuring out what I need to say, what I must say, to communicate with her.
"I feel I have made a good effort for the last few years to stay in communication with you. I have valued your friendship...
C 2022 Christine Trzyna
