There have been two people in my lifetime who would run late when they were angry, in general angry, or at me - though it was never expressed to me WHY the person might be angry with me and I couldn't think of any reason.
The person angry in general who was always running late would show up to get to a movie theatre late, drive too fast, expect a parking space to appear by miracle, have us physically running to buy tickets, and get us there just past the hypnotic induction to buy tubs of greasy popcorn, Milk Duds, Good N Plenty, and jiggly iced Cokes (which might have been a good thing). Still, it was not exciting. It was nervous.
The other was usually on time. So when he'd not call to say he was running late, I'd wait, going through the stages of Concern, Worry, Upset, Anger, Confusion. (Did I get the time wrong? Should I call?). More Worry (is he dead in a car accident?) and finally Relief. I wasn't sure what the protocol was when someone was teasing a no show. Why ask me to go somewhere?
Running late is being passive aggressive.
A friend of mine once told me about the husband she was divorcing. "He'll say it's up to me but in the end he always has to have his way, whatever it is." She gave the example of selecting wall covering. Basically he had veto power. She ran around to stores, brought wallpaper books home and showed him what patterns she liked, whole color schemes for rooms running through her head, and his reasons why not ranged from dunno to full arguments.
Really he wanted the house.
And got it.
//
I was subject to other forms of passive aggressive behavior. Like other psychobabble terms used in this mini series about crazy, I didn't know what the term meant for some time though I was experiencing it.
//
One person I knew would go into the one toilet bathroom at his business if someone came in that he didn't want to talk to. He hid. At some point the person waiting would go through the steps of realization that he was in there waiting them out. Maybe he'd even gone out the window.
Step one: No big deal. Everyone has to poop sometime.
Step two: Lord, I hope he isn't in there sick.
Step three: Is he in there cause I got other places to go and people to see.
Step four: Oh, I get it. He's not coming out because I'm here. He can call me, he has my number.
I saw this person make people Wonder. Worry. Get Mad. Feel Foolish. And Feel Confused - a few times, not knowing why he wasn't coming out.
Came the day when I was the one waiting for him to complete an enormous poop.
He never did call.
He let me wonder.
And go unpaid.
//
Perhaps the worst case of passive aggression (because of the ongoing insufferability of it) perpetrated upon me and another friend involves two sisters we first became friends with in high school. These two have lively personalities and seem happy in life. You'd never suspect the joy they must get from annoying and upsetting us for years on end. How? By sending very late birthday cards year after year, some which even say belated, as if despite the years of friendship they just couldn't get the date right, as if we were to be impressed with how busy they must be that they're running late in life. But really there's this test. Is this the year the friendship will be declared over?
I was the one to give up, but not without trying to keep in touch. The sister I was friends with first, ever since we agreed she had rights on a certain boy when we were too innocent to realize nobody owns anybody, would never get around to writing back when I sent her a (snailmail) letter.
Passive Aggressive people always seem to be gaming in some way. I think in some relationships the passive aggressive person is trying to make you jealous. Because then if you definitely give up they feel it and they come around again.
I gave up and she called me long distance to say she wanted to come visit me on her vacation. I said, "You can stay here but I have to work and use my car. We can do some things in the evenings. You'll need a car to get around so you can rent one. It's about an hour in traffic to the beach."
And then she never called back. Or wrote back. Did she come out, stay at a hotel, and not bother to get together with me for lunch?
This is a test. It is just a test. For the next 60 seconds...
C 2021 Christine Trzyna
