Healing The Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
by Karyl McBride, Ph.D. C 2008
Free Press
An article in a fashion magazine lead me to this book about engulfing and/or ignoring mothers who care more about appearances than most, and who are so self-involved as to want their children to not only live up to their expectations but make them proud.
Page 37-38
"Although these two parenting styles are seemingly opposite, to a child raised with either narcissistic style, the impact of the opposite is the same. Your self image becomes distorted and feelings of insecurity seem impossible to shake.... The engulfing mother smothers, seemingly unaware of her daughter's unique needs or desires..... If so it is likely that the natural talents you had, the dreams you wanted to pursue, and maybe even the relationships most important to you were rarely nurtured. Your mother constantly sent messages to you about who she needed you to be instead of validating who you really were. Desperate to merit her love and approval, you conformed, and in the process, lost yourself.
"If you were raised by an ignoring mother, the message she gave you over and over again was that you were invisible. She simply did not have enough room in her heart for you. As a result, you were dismissed and discounted. Children with severe ignoring mothers do not receive even the most basic requirements of food, shelter, clothing, or protection, let alone guidance or emotional support.... Emotional and physical neglect sends you the message that you don't matter.
"Having a narcissistic mother, whether she is engulfing or ignoring makes individuation - a separate sense of self - difficult for a daughter to accomplish. Daughters with unmet emotional needs keep going back to their mothers, hoping to gain their love and respect at a later date. Daughters who have a full emotional "Tank" have the confidence to separate in a healthy fashion, and move on into adulthood....
Page 54 The Secretly Mean
The secretly mean narcissistic mother does not want others to know she is abusive to her children. She usually has a public self and a private self, which are quite different. Daughters of the secretly mean describe their mothers as being kind, loving, and attentive when out in public, and abusive and cruel at home. It is hard not to feel significant resentment toward your mother for this, especially if she fooled a lot of people outside the family...
In Chapter "Where is Daddy?" McBride says that husbands married to narcissistic women live around them. Instead of the parents being a couple with boundaries around them, the husband and children live around the wife/mother's needs.
Page 72
"Oftentimes when Mother is narcissistic, she may be able to do some of the earlier nurturing because she has control of the infant and small child and can mold the child to her wishes. But as the child grows older and develops a mind of her own, the mother loses control and no longer has the same kind of power. This causes the mother to begin her demeaning, critical behavior with the child, in hopes of regaining that control, which is crazy-making for the daughter...
Page 73
"Setting healthy boundaries requires direct statements and clear communication. Narcissistic families commonly have a skewed, ineffective communication style called "triangulation." Instead of the mother talking to the daughter, the mother may express her thoughts and feelings -usually negative and criticizing - to another family member in the hope that he or she will tell the daughter. Then the mother can deny that she said it, although the message somehow got out there anyway. This triangulation in communication is passive aggressive and is an expression of the sentiment "I will get you back, but not directly to your face."
