For about a year, just ending, I gave prayer another chance. Not only did I pray for myself and something I most certainly need, I even walked in the morning with my dog to a location of great natural beauty and said a simple prayer 40 days in row, early this past summer. Also, a whole lot of other people either prayed (or are still praying) for me /us ; I include my dog in my future life, or said they were. Catholic novenas - quickies and long drawn out ones. Protestant Prayers - several denominations from Fundamentalist to Progressive. God Knows What Prayers.
When I would explain my dilemma to people, granted these people are strangers or extremely new friends, often they would say "I'll pray for you." Well, what else could they do but invest in magic or miracle since they aren't going to roll up their sleeves or be pragmatic?
I thanked them sincerely.
At first I was going to keep my needs and desires and prayers private but I got to talking to a woman who had a worse situation than me; just about everyone would agree that someone whose long time partner has physically disappeared without a trace has a worse situation than me. She was not only keeping the faith, but she went out to a bookstore on a needed day off from work and bought me a book of daily meditations and so I promised her I would read the book every day.
The "voice" of the book is of Jesus/God and he keeps encouraging me to depend on him, clear my mind for him, be full of gratitude for what I have, and so on. I just cannot do it, have that kind of trust that whatever happens in my life is His Will, not Mine, and I should be satisfied.
Recently, without asking me first, which I think is basic respect, three people put me on PRAYER LISTS. Shit, I don't want that up on the Internet, I really do not. I had to work on forgiveness about this, the "they meant well," absolution. Still I get angry and think to tell them "Take that down!"
I was told that I must "pray continuously."
That I needed to "Keep in the Word." (This means read the Bible continuously.)
That I need to trust that Jesus will provide me just what it is He Knows I Need.
The person being asked for results was mostly Jesus, though the Holy Spirit figured in there too. In fact, I always have had a difficult time with the Three Persons in One God notion, and I find myself feeling very different about prayer to The Father, the Son (Jesus), or the Holy Spirit (aka the Holy GHOST!). The Father - it always feels uncomfortable to me especially in the medieval aspect of Lord of the Manor and peasants begging (me) language. He seems to be an Old Testament character who is mean and jealous and booming his voice all over the countryside. Jesus - well, I think a person actually lived on this earth, a rebel, but I don't think he saved my soul by dying on the cross and I wish people would stop trying to make me feel guilty for that; who can argue that Christianity isn't massive in this world? I like his ideas though. Which makes me think Bernie Sanders is a rare Christian in politics. The Holy Spirit, some say was once a feminine energy, but maybe I'm most comfortable with this person because he is the least represented in art. The most mysterious.
Well, I have not gotten what I very much want and need.
And so the prayers start talking praying MORE or waiting for Grace or Miracles.
They talk "God's Time."
Can I deny that maybe if it were not for all this good wishing, all this pledging of good will and friendship, I might be completely slayed? No I cannot. The Power of Prayer; there's a book with that title that emphasizes the positive.
Right now I feel guilty for posting this agnostic post.
It's not like I should have Great Expectations when in fact I have NOT PRAYED for many years. Who am I to expect A Little Something when I have not done my part praying?
I think prayer can be relaxing. Praying can help you focus on what you want.
But I am too prone to finding a proof or an answer in something that will later prove not to be. I have done this one way or another many times in my life, probably because I was tired. Tired of waiting for things other people find easy or take for granted.
Maybe I'm just tired now.
My Christmas mail was full of religious based wishes, a certain wink-wink that we are all Christians aren't we. But we are not.
What I feel the most concern about is that some of the prayers seem to think that if you stop, you won't get what you want. It's superstitious. It's like they expect doom if they give up praying, or wanting, or needing.
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